Pre-birthday Thoughts: Losing My Innocence

Losing my innocence is when I stop believing in “changing the world.”

As they say that the world does not need changing. It was perfect all along. It’s the humans that need changing.

I guess life has been hard when I realized that. Because “changing the world” is much easier to do than “changing humans.” I can hardly even change myself.

I don’t know where I encounter this thought. Maybe it was from that Fidel Castro book. How I hate that I read his book. Life has been so much harder to live after reading that book. Because it always leads me to ask if what I’ve been doing can really affect people in positive ways.

But as they say that making our own selves better is more than enough.

And so the endless question of really am I making myself better? Is what I am hardworking hard here can make me any better than lounging in a hammock on a beach sipping margarita?

I mean I could just do nothing, and the world will probably be a much better place.

Creativity (#4/32)

How do creative people become creative?!? This is one of the biggest question I have! I want to be creative.

I work hard for it, but it seems that it needs more than working hard.

I chase it. But it’s like catching a smoke, it just slips however tight you hold onto it.

And, funny that when you thought you finally able to figure out, you’re too tired to pursue it.

32 Lessons or Whatever Countdown to my Birthday (#2 Scratch #1)

I feel like deleting my #1 countdown because having a biography entitled, “A LIFE OF BREAKING LIMITS,” is too much to fulfill.

Maybe I can drop the “limits” from the title, and the new title will be “A LIFE OF BREAKING.”

Breaking what??? Maybe breaking myself over and over again. I guess we can only break our limits. We cannot break others’ limits. Duh.

I like that I always get disappointed myself. Aside from toughening me up, disappointment gives us reason to move on.


32 Lessons I Learned But Not Practise or something like ME-ME-ME-all-about-me (#1)

Next month will be my 32nd thirty-second treynta-e-dos birthday. 

Just like every year on my birthday, I’m excited to post xx Things / Lessons / Wisdoms. But somehow, I could not remember I was ever able to make one, or complete one. It probably because:
* I don’t really learn any thing as many as my age number
* There’s nothing really that many interesting about me or I discovered.
But I guess it’s more of as they day has gotten nearer to my birthday, the less I got interested with my XX Things/Lessons I originally thought of.
Anyhoo, let me try again this year. I’ll try post an entry from time to time until I get to 32, or maybe 3 or just event to 2 until my birthday or maybe before the year ends.
Some random pic from my albums and albums and albums of pictures is a book of Chrissie Welling, A Life Without Limits. 
1. If ever I’m going to write about my life story, I’m going to give it a title of “A LIFE OF BREAKING LIMITS!”
I realized I’m not brave or courageous. It’s more of I’m really ignorant. Sometimes, I do unsafe things for the reason that I could not fully grasp as to why it’s dangerous to do it. As the saying goes, “IGNORANCE IS A BLISS!” is so me.

Of Yet Another Baby: Just Publish it!

I often find myself involved, without much choice, in Mark’s different projects. I guess, sometimes, people would probably wonder what exactly I’m doing to be always beside Mark. I guess it’s just in this year that I stopped being around.

It’s hard to explain what I do. But most of the time, I’m the taker of the unfilled position. In rare times, a project would succeed then I would exit. Sometimes, they failed, then, again, I would exit.

So now I’m yet in another new project. This time, I felt I’m really old. Gone is my naive-ness. I kinda have a blueprint of how things will start, will work, and will go through “throes of sorrow,” will go big. There’s no success, as there will always be bigger success. I guess we can define success as being able to pass “throes of sorrow,” of getting that traction. But then we all know, after that, more hardwork will come.

And, there’s no failure. Cliche! =)

Somehow I also have a pseudo blueprint of what type of people will make a project thrive. Passionate is one. Another one is shrewdness. The latter part is actually a bit of a surprise to me, and you might disagree with me. I guess the passion keeps the fire burning, while shrewdness helps in moving things forward, to a different level.

So anyway, I’m actually getting far from what I originally thought to write about. For a project to succeed, just publish it. Which literally applies to our new project, runroo.com, an online multi-media mag or whatever you call it.

Sometimes, we get entangled with best practices and right practices or whatever those rules and policies and other pressures that we get so hold-up and end up with nothing. I guess this is where shrewdness applies. We just have to have this unbelievably huge faith in ourselves that whatever stuff we shove to people will work. If not, then create and again hit the publish button.

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I just have to note here that much credit should go to Armie Garde for the runroo.com, as this is originally her brainchild. =)

down

I was (am???) feeling low today — some nothing-new major downer which I was just hoping to just pass by on its own. But then I learned of someone young passing, and good old friend’s broken relationship.

As much as I don’t want to take comfort from others’ miseries, but, yes, I have more reasons to be grateful about.

My Obsession: I Could Write a Book About It

So many things to write that I’d end up writing nothing.
All the different thoughts wooshing and speeding in different directions in my head.
My different thoughts are like kids, all screaming wanting my attention.
Sometimes, I felt like crying of why can’t they tone down, and stay in one corner while I tackle one topic.

But on another note, I felt more crying of why can’t I just let go all of them.
Why can’t I just NOT write them down.
Seriously, I’m the only one who cares about my pity thoughts.
But probably it’s my equivalent to other girls’ obsession over shoes, bags, and such.

I’m obsessed with my thoughts!
They may be pity.
But they’re my most prized collection like that scary looking useless antique jars of an aunt.
I must must MUST HAVE them all.

See how I love my thoughts –
I could even write a book about my thoughts.

I, Me & Myself

“I paint self-portraits because I am so often alone, because I am the person I know best.” Frida Kahlo
via @pestimo via incenses.tumblr.com

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In my case,

I write self-centered interests because I am so often alone, because I am the person I know best.

Alone? I blame it on my being an only child. I read somewhere that only-childs tend to create their own world, and talk to their selves. I am all of those.

I’m definitely not alone. But I guess part of growing up alone as an only-child, I develop the talent to isolate myself in a bubble of my own world even if I’m in a crowded party.

And, because of that I’m clumsy and distracted, and that’s why I keep losing stuff. It’s because though I’m physically present in a certain place, but my mind is wandering somewhere away.

It probably can be also the reason why I look like I’m a good listener kind of friend. If I find someone’s story boring, I just listen and create another version of it in my head.

Write? I could no longer keep how many blogs I created and abandoned. I probably have one in every blogging platform on the www.

Sometimes, I want to whack my self on the head why I cannot stop writing and blah-ing and writing and blah-ing. Really, if people get annoyed of my endless chatter on every social network / blogging platform, I’m more of annoyed of myself.

Sometimes, I scream (inside my head) at myself of why I cannot f*cking stop to blah and blah (like right now). But then, after some time, I thought it is I. If I’m going to stop writing and blah-ing, it will be no longer me.

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I’m not comparing myself to Frida Kahlo. I don’t want to insult her. But I’m happy to know that it’s normal to be so interested of myself.