The past few days, my mood has been like the weather – extremely sunny at one time, then a sudden downpour of rain at any moment. There’s this dissatisfaction, discontentment, disappointment at myself. I consider myself to be blessed with ‘what-i-have’ and ‘who-i-have’ so it’s not about them and those. It’s about me – a self-induced problem. It drives me crazy why I am driving myself crazy.

Unknowingly, it’s also driving my husband crazy. So we sort of had this shout-match, him asking me to stop my ‘craziness’ because it’s driving him & my kids crazy. And, so I got more ‘depressed’ because I did not know that I had affected them negatively.

Despite how I sometimes paint a ‘negative’ picture of markjohn, he’s really ‘nice.’ I always whine about him, how he’s so insensitive and all. I guess this time, maybe I should say something nice about him.

I want to thank God for a husband who understands the extreme quirkiness of me.
* From that time I went back to work after Mati turned 1.
* To quitting that job and try that ‘freelance writing’ stint, which I quit for the main reason that I feel ’empty’ about it. It was just not for me.
* So he created that tweetitow so I have something to keep myself busy with. Tweetitow has like a special role in our marriage – I will not bore you with the details.
* Then, those little stuff in between
* then, for ‘giving’ me my last job.
Then, after all the things he had/have done to make me ‘happy,’ I’m now back to square one. I know longer feel satisfaction at them. Because after all those, I kind of realized now what I really like to do, what’s my goal. And, what I want is sooo effin corny, and it’s so not me that’s why I’m having this ‘cognitive dissonance’ (i’m not sure if i use the term correctly). You know as corny as it can be, and as ‘ngilo’ as it is but I want to contribute to WORLD CHANGE. I don’t see myself as naturally ‘charitable.’ Also, I don’t want to be those annoying world-change agents. I don’t want to be laughed at, though, in the first place, nobody cares about what I want.

So that’s what is driving me crazy – it’s just me, myself, and I. I know what I want, have a little idea of what to do but I simply cannot make myself do it because of all the self-made dramas I have in life. But I guess for the mean time, I need to put some brakes. For once, I need to stop demanding too much from myself and my husband. I need to stop being a high-maintenance specie for the sake of my husband and kids.

Philippines, you are lucky to have me. (this is self-love at its best) I mean really, if we look at ourselves, Philippines is damn lucky to have people like us. But for now, let me take my time.

And, to my husband, I’m now cheap. You no longer need to go to war or hack yourself to death to make me happy. A shiny shimmering splendid will be fine… for the mean time.
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