crying foul

I’m an emotional wreck this weekend, and I am ANGRY. So I’m putting this down to get over it.

An aunt from my mother side, just learned about what happen to my father one month ago. So she called me to give me a piece of her mind. She advised me that I should tell my mother that I met my father and helped him out. And, I told her I don’t like to because I don’t see any point. But she said my mother will be more angry if she learns from other people that I had contacted my father. To avoid confrontation, I said, ‘okay.’

And, after that call, I cannot help but felt that people are like playing with my emotions. The cousin from my father side had indirectly telling me that my father suffered from depression thus he became sick because I ‘neglected’ him, and how I as a daughter has to fulfill some obligations. And, so I obliged.

I’m not the type of person who engaged in ‘kwentahay’ for the reason that it does not solve any thing. I helped my father because I want to have that peace of mind. I did not tell my mother about it because I don’t want to cause any stir, I want to have some peace of mind.

And, now here is my aunt who demands that I should tell my mother or else my mother will wreak havoc if she’ll learn about it from other people. There was the cousin who contacted me about my father getting sick because of depression.

Can I cry foul????? My mother will be mad. My father was depressed. But does any body ever care to know about how I feel with the whole thing? Gawd, is it wrong to ask for that peace of mind!!!

I BELIEVE THERE IS NO NEED FOR ME TO EXPLAIN TO ANY BODY. I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG TO YOU. I DID NOT CAUSE HARM TO ANYBODY. I NEVER HAVE BAD INTENTIONS. SO PLEASE, LET US ALL GROW UP!!!

I do not know why it is my fault that my father was depressed. I do not know why it is my fault that my mother will get mad, and may affect her hypertension.

Can I also blame them for my being always confused at almost age 30???

I’m angry. I’m really angry at how they insensitively (even if unintentionally) just play with my emotions!!! I’m so angry as to how easily they feel they are entitled to me.

I wish I am in the middle of a real crossfire. Really, this kind of thing makes me question if I should be really thankful that I am alive.

I’M ANGRY. I’M ANGRY. I’M ANGRY. I’M ANGRY. I’M ANGRY. I’M ANGRY. I’M ANGRY.

I’m angry because they make me look at myself, and see that deep inside I am broken. I am scared of that! I know how hard it is to be broken. I’m scared to face that broken me. I don’t know how to fix that. I don’t know how will it affect my children. I don’t know how will I ever get that dream of changing the world when I cannot even fix myself!!!

I’m so angry!