the start-up marriage

This is like my nth time of rewriting about my 5-year old marriage. I am trying the hardest to do away with relating it to a ‘start-up’ project  for the reason that I might have misunderstood the true concept of ‘start-up.’ But I always find myself going back to it. So here is my most-awaited righteous POV of marriage.

Before we got married, mark john had already this obsession with ‘start-up.’ I do not know how to describe ‘start-up,’ but you can read this to give you an idea how it is to be in a ‘start-up’ lifestyle. I can relate to everything in there but there are 2 things that I like to share:

2. Startups Take Over Your Life — As much as I want to, and force Mark John to separate his job and his family life, it could not just happen. I just have to live with the thought that the person I am talking to in the table for breakfast or at night about the kids’ little things has his mind on the ‘project or program or the little things at his office.’  It does not stop to this, everything about the family is geared towards becoming a start-up junky which can be so eccentric at time.

3. It’s an Emotional Roller-coaster — Start-up life can be very high, and when it gets down, it can be very low, soul-breaking low. The highs and lows of a ‘start-up’ life is never new to me. I’d seen it happen way back before we were still ‘uyab.’ The high of being part and getting a project — this means money and free internet. The low of being in a failure project which usually involved forced eviction (having to give up the apartment as the group can no longer sustain it), property foreclosure (having printer and computer taken away as failure to deliver the project). The low part can be extremely painful to look at. It can be traumatice even. My point is if you want stability, security, and high-rate to success, ‘start-up’ is not for you.

Certainty is the most thing we want in life (or is it just me?). Much more when get married and have kids, especially when we have kids, we NEED certainty, stability, and anything related to this. It is a scary idea that I have 3 kids, and the next time I woke up, we are jobless, no source of income, no savings to hold on to. The usual reaction will be first is how am I going to feed my kids. Then, next is how will other people see us. That we are such a failure? When we are a married couple, I get to be more protective of how other people would see my husband. I guess it is a pride thing that it adds to the pressure of wanting to have that ‘stable certain’ perfect-to-look-at life for the family.

For the past 5 years, it was all an emotional roller coaster for me in the sense that everything is uncertain. One time, a project is a ‘success.’ The next time I know it’s already down the drain, which usually happens when I’d be about to give birth to a child, or while we’re in a not-so good situation, economically. God is funny that way.

In the past, all my prayers were about having more opportunities in case the existing project will not work out. If ever the existing project is owkei, I would pray that it would be stable or if not, please have a spare project waiting in case this would go down the drain again. I develop a mechanism that once the ‘high’ time part of a start-up project is achieved (everything is doing well, financially and all), it is not the time to rejoice, but it is the time to ready myself for another lowww time coming.

Thus, you probably had read here before how I made myself to stick to my ‘reliable stable’ job just in case mark’s ‘start-up’ project would just go boinkers, we always have a back-up — my safe job. =)

So now looking at the past 5 years, I feel a lot of things happen — raising 3 kids from one project to another.  I don’t know how it went on mark’s part as he is always positive on everything. But for me, the pessimist, raising 3 kids in a very uncertain/unstable ‘economic situation’ was crazy. It is not that I am not happy, but back then, I got easily upset or disappointed when things got sticky. Why we cannot just have a more stable normal life? Others have it that way, why cannot we have it too?

It got to the point that I am really tired and drained of praying for ‘more back-up opportunities’ or a more stable situation, of trying to avoid the low time. The Lord is funnier that He never stopped putting me in that scary situation. Then, somehow, I just learn to ‘let go.’ And, in the truest sense I trust Him, and put my Faith in Him that everything will just work out fine.

So as corny as it can be, but the ‘start-up’ life/marriage makes my Faith in the Lord strongest, With a ‘start-up’ lifestyle, there is no guarantee of security, stability, and success is a funny thing. The only way to survive it is to let go of your worries, embrace un-security, un-stability, and blindly trust Him. Close your eyes, and go jump off the cliff, and believe there is God at the bottom ready to catch you. And if ever God fail to catch you, do not worry, He will make up for it by helping you get back to your feet. Repeat infinite times, and you will learn to love the ‘road less taken.’

You might not see us openly talking about our relationship with God, but to survive the 5 years, we just have to lift up everything to Him. Anyway, I do not know what my point really is. I cannot say this is the case of other married couple because each marriage is different, and each has his own unique bumps to go through.

You might wonder why I talk most about financial security because it can be the one obstacle that keep us stuck or our marriage’s growth stuck, mentally and emotionally, spiritually. Sometimes, we do not need to overcome it, just skip it because there is more beautiful things in life waiting. Though, I believe some of us need to reach some financial security ‘level’ but then let us not be consumed with it.

I have no parting words right now. Maybe, after 10 years of marriage, I’ll have some Nobel-prize parting words that can save lives. Or, let me say that leave the security and stability to the stock market. Unless you think your marriage is an IPO which should always look positive for the financial experts’ appraisal.

This is like more of how I mature living in a start-up life, not really about my marriage.