wired to be told-do-so

before i left my last job like office job,
i have a lot of things in mind that i wanted to pursue
after i quit the office job, more things added to my to-pursue list

so anyway, after being a ‘corporate’ slave
i become a ‘paid-to-write’ mini slave
mini because i only have a quota of 3 300-word articles per day
if you know the hardcore real writers, my numbers are pretty embarrassing

so monday this week, my writing raket was suspended
which was i’m more happy though income-less
because i have more time to cross-out some items on my to-pursue list
but then i ended up frustrated and antsy with myself
because i feel i was going nowhere
if i were playing mortal kombat/tekken or in a real sword fight, i was slashing and kicking and hitting at any direction/without direction
hoping to hit by ‘chamba’
my thoughts are all in different places — doing this and that, sidetracked by a lot of things
and, end up accomplishing nothing
i was having a hard time getting from the starting point to at least half-way of the finishing line

while reading, ‘first, break all the rules’
i realized that, genetically/educationally/environmentally, i was raised to be an employee (you know that notion that being in San Miguel is the biggest thing that can happen to one’s life)
with an employer or a boss or a manager who sets goals/tasks for me to accomplish
i was in a way designed to have a job description
i need to be in a definite structure

when i switch to become ‘freelance’
i still have a definite structure, a set goal to achieve
only i have control of my time — when to do/finish the articles

but when the ‘freelance job’ left me
without any concrete goal to follow, but just a mental list of what things to do
every thing has gone awry
i have nothing definite to cling on to

which to prioritize
how to start/do it
get sidetracked to related then to unrelated stuffs — then find myself having another to-pursue item added to my list
get frustrated when i’d feel that i am going nowhere
where the paak i am heading
plus seeing other people doing things the right way — emotional downer to me
you know, i’d find myself telling why put myself into this situation
is it really worth the hassle?

a lot of people are telling how they wish they have money to quit the corporate life to have a business so that they can control their time
if you’ve been working 10 years in a company — 10 years of following a definite work schedule
i guess it would take time for you to rewire your time perception/attitude
unplug the being-told-do-so chip in yourself
owkeis, enough of being smarty pants (i’m just going in circles, i no longer have ‘wisdom’ to impart)

in relation to raising kids, it makes me think of —
how to raise my children to be independent thinkers and doers in any kind of situation
that they could function well without any guidance from other individuals, and only their selves dictating what to do (i mean of course, no man is an island.)
but i want a self-thriving children who can dictate the fate of their life
of course there is God, and God is happiest when you are being really who you are.
but on the other hand, there’s nothing wrong also of being a told-do-so
there are people, like me, who can do better when they are on the command line

to end this lamely,
how are you wired?