i’ve been meaning to come up with something about ‘connection’ but i was not able to find time to really sit down to think and write about it.
i’m always puzzled why i could easily get along with meg, and not with migi (i guess countless times i mentioned it here). i know there are a lot of factors and no two persons are the same. but it just makes me really wonder why after all the things i tried to do, trying all the child psychology theories i could think of, i still ended up getting frustrated because i still cannot completely get into him, capture the thing that ticks him. there’s always that barrier between us, that line where i cannot cross.
there are a lot of reasons that i came up with. one is maybe because i was never that ‘hands-on’ mother to him. after my 3-month maternity leave, i went back to work. then, when he was 4 months, i got pregnant with meg. so i was never able to give much attention to him because i was busy getting pregnant, and caring for another baby. plus, he was a very demanding baby (imagine that migi would usually wake up at night and cry and wanted to be carried and danced and i was so big with meg. really, i was not that happy about his behaviour. don’t ask where mark is.)
fastforward, i got pregnant with mati. quit from work. and, finally, have a stint on being a full time mother to migi, meg, and mati. but still after like months of being a full time mother, i’m still struggling with migi. i can’t stop asking myself ‘what went/is wrong?’ i somehow give him the time and attention but still not much progress.
i cannot help but feel such a crap especially seeing mothers having a full time job but then they still manage to have a good relationship with their kids. and, here i am almost 24/7 with migi, and we’re like poles apart. migi and mark get along easily with each other though i’m the one who spends more time with migi.
then, i realized that more than the time/attention you spend on your kid, the way to get into them is establishing that connection. but as i said no 2 kids are the same. with meg, we’re mostly alike so i have no problems establishing a connection with her. with migi, it’s a different ball game.
it’s like making friends — there are people you instantly click with, and there are people that would take time/effort to build friendship with. and, there are people that are just not meant to be your friends (not because they’re bad. it’s just that you’re not meant to be.)
i have the time and attention for migi but the problem was that i want our relationship to be on my terms. and, migi is the type of person who does not take things sitting down. so all the time i was forcing what i want to happen/how things should be done on him. and, all my attention was poured into why migi cannot be like this/that. i was most of the time pushing him more away, and my attention were spent guarding all his faults. so despite all the time and attention, i was not able to connect with him because i was trying to connect with the ideal kid i had in my mind, not with who migi really is.
i wasted my time trying to convert him to my ‘ideal kid,’ instead of cherishing him for who he is. (he’s rough. i want a gentle boy. i’m neither a refined person. genetically, we do not have ‘gentle’ genes. i’m creating nightmare.) thankfully, i’ve learned that the best way to get into him and build a healthy connection with him, or with any child i guess, is to just let him be who they are, respect what he wants and for who he is. as much as possible, i tried hardest not to impose what i think is right but go with and respect his decisions (stupid or not) and let him learn to own up to his wrongs. (this is very hard to do because as much as possible you want to shelter your kids from wrong decisions but then it’s the best way for them to learn, right?) but of course, i step up when i see that what he’s doing is totally unacceptable already (like being bully).
so if they say that quality time is what matters most. i can say please add quality connection to it too. =)