Tertia’s blog is one of the blogs i religiously followed before but for some time because of busy-ness and all, i stopped checking her posts. but just recently, i’m back to checking her blog from time to time. and her latest post kinda hits my heart/soul/head hard (exag!), and really makes me think about every thing — my being me, mother, wife, etc etc etc… i copied and paste the whole thing below:
You know how you sometimes get an unexpected insight into yourself and the world you live in? I had one of those moments about a year ago. I was standing in the kitchen at work, chatting to a good friend of mine. I was telling him about an article I had read somewhere in which the author (a woman) had said that while she loved her children dearly, they were not the centre of her universe. They fitted into her world, rather than her world revolving around them. I was telling my friend the story in a ‘can you believe someone actually said that’ kind of fashion and before I could comment any further, he replied ‘yes, that is how it should be’. It was in that moment that I realized that I am the exact opposite of the woman who wrote that article, that my world revolves around my children, and perhaps that is not how it is supposed to be.
It certainly wasn’t that way when I grew up. My parents loved us dearly, but their world didn’t revolve around us. We all knew that my father was number 1, and then came my mother, and we came somewhere after that. We fitted into their lives, not the other way around. It wasn’t strange; it was just how it was.
Things seem different now. Something has shifted and it seems like our generation live our lives around our children, for our children. Our children are the centre of our universe. We take them to OT, to speech therapists, for extra mural activities, to see educational psychologists. Everything is more complicated. One should do this and shouldn’t do that. Previously simple decisions are enormously complex. We agonize over things. Never mind about us, how will it affect our children? We read, we research. We consult. We put our children’s needs way ahead of our own and our spouses. We sacrifice all that we can, and even then we feel guilty that we aren’t doing more.
I am as bad, if not way worse than anyone I know. My children are the centre of my universe, my world revolves around them. They come first, and only once I have given as much of myself as they want and need, is there something left over for my job. And then, if there is anything left over after that, my husband gets the few remaining scraps. (Me? There is nothing left for me.)
I wonder, what kind of future generation are we raising? What will the future generation look like?
Are we doing the right thing? We say we are doing if for them, but are we doing them any favours? Is this hyper focus on our children going to benefit them down the line? At the end of the day, all we want is that our children are happy. Will this make them happy? Will they be happier than we were?
I don’t know the answer, and I don’t know how to do it differently. The only way I know how is to have my children at the centre of my world. I just hope that one day my children will benefit from it. That it will make them happy. I worry though, I worry that somehow along the line, we’ve gone a little too far. I hope that the future generation we are raising will be a kind, considerate, loving human race who care for their fellow humans. I hope that we aren’t raising a generation of self-centred, self indulgent people who have an enormous sense of entitlement. Who believe that the world revolves around them. Because that is what their parents taught them was the truth.
The comments from readers are also interesting. You can go to her site to check them. One comment said that this can be related to Ayelet Waldman’s “I Love My Husband More than My Kids.” You can read it in here http://www2.oprah.com/tows/booksseen/200504/tows_book_20050420_kmose.jhtml . Now, i’m interested to get her books. =)
anyhoo, until now i’m still thinking about this ‘thought/post.’ wa ko’y ma comment… i’m now a confused mama…