this schooling business

i’m totally totally depressed today. like i want to sleep without waking up kind of depressed. yes, i’m being OA about it.

i just came from an interview/discussion with the school head of FORUM (Sotero Cabahug Forum for Literacy  – not sure if this is the complete name). we just basically went there to be informed that migi is not ready/fit for their school system, and to make it not so bad news the directress or whoever she was gave advices on how to sort of help out my kid. she advised we should try playgroup for a year and see what happens. my gawd, my kid is still for a playgroup level! and, the best news is we can bring migi again next year for evaluation for FREE.

in short, my son is not accepted. i, who graduated valedictorian from badian central school (yes, bright ko sa among bukid!), has a son who failed a nursery entrance exam. and, not to mention migi was given the exam twice (as in twice, people, twice) because he, sort of, did not cooperate with the psychometrician and the whole thing (to put it nicely). in fairness with migi, he did not fail because he’s ‘bogo,’ he’s just extremely shy when it comes to new faces.

yes, i know it’s not the end of the world. and, for gawdness sake, it’s just some nursery entrance exam for 1 school — it’s not like the ultimate measurement of how migi will be in his whole life! i know the school’s non-acceptance is for migi’s best. but i cannot help but feel so sad about the situation.

i cannot help asking what went wrong especially when the directress mentioned only few kids are like migi. i do not blame migi, i do not blame the school. i do not want to blame my self but i cannot help but feel like the ultimate crappiest mother in the whole world. somehow, i cannot help but feel that something is so wrong with my parenting style/upbringing method, whatever you call it (and, oh did i mention i’m a psych graduate, average psych graduate, but still a psych graduate!) lots of questions, what ifs running in my head. i should have quit working a long time ago and be a full time mother since day 1? i’m not yet ready for this mothering thing, too young/immature to have kids? gawd, i really do not know.

i’m depressed but i cannot allow myself to be depressed because when i am, i do not want to function, i want the world to stop for a moment and wallow in my depression until i get over it. but i cannot do that because it’s not about me, it’s about my kid. i’m torn between — just letting this issue pass by, like why should i make a big deal about it, or start scouting aggressively for other schools and have migi get into entrance exams after entrance exams. or, should i start buying volumes of encyclopedia and feed them to my kids? but really, this is just like icing in the cake. i believe the main issue is really i’m such a crappy mother and i NEED to do something about it ASAP because my kids’ welfare is at stake.

gawd, sorry, as much as i do not want to be so negative about this but for now, i just cannot see the positive side of it. shyet oy, sige panganak pa jud!